Sagan 4 Forum [Menu]

Excellent!

Brilliant design!

I like the art, description, and lifestyle. I especially like how it has two illustrations.
"free loaders." Freeloaders.
"secret a foul-smelling" Secrete a foul-smelling.
" grown larger" There should be a period at the end.
"An infilt pewpa carrying eggs inside of them" I suggest "carrying eggs", without a pronoun. While neither "himself" or "herself" are appropriate because these are hermaphrodites, "itself" is perfectly acceptable for fauna.
"which is an attempt to mimic the forelimbs" Evolution is not intentional, but the whole paragraph's phrasing suggests such. if it is fairly intelligent for its size and number of neurons, like a Portia spider, and it has deliberative imitative behaviors, you can suggest intention in the manner it uses its "disguise".

QUOTE (Coolsteph @ Apr 13 2021, 05:42 PM)

I like the art, description, and lifestyle. I especially like how it has two illustrations. "free loaders." Freeloaders. "secret a foul-smelling" Secrete a foul-smelling. " grown larger" There should be a period at the end. "An infilt pewpa carrying eggs inside of them" I suggest "carrying eggs", without a pronoun. While neither "himself" or "herself" are appropriate because these are hermaphrodites, "itself" is perfectly acceptable for fauna. "which is an attempt to mimic the forelimbs" Evolution is not intentional, but the whole paragraph's phrasing suggests such. if it is fairly intelligent for its size and number of neurons, like a Portia spider, and it has deliberative imitative behaviors, you can suggest intention in the manner it uses its "disguise".

Fixed the bits about free loaders, growing larger, and the carrying eggs bit.

Not sure why the Secrete part is uppercase as it’s not the beginning of an sentence.

No it’s not intentional. I can probably edit the description to say juveniles with larger from tubes got selected for as it better fooled communal janits.

QUOTE (OviraptorFan @ Apr 13 2021, 05:57 PM)

QUOTE (Coolsteph @ Apr 13 2021, 05:42 PM) I like the art, description, and lifestyle. I especially like how it has two illustrations. "free loaders." Freeloaders. "secret a foul-smelling" Secrete a foul-smelling. " grown larger" There should be a period at the end. "An infilt pewpa carrying eggs inside of them" I suggest "carrying eggs", without a pronoun. While neither "himself" or "herself" are appropriate because these are hermaphrodites, "itself" is perfectly acceptable for fauna. "which is an attempt to mimic the forelimbs" Evolution is not intentional, but the whole paragraph's phrasing suggests such. if it is fairly intelligent for its size and number of neurons, like a Portia spider, and it has deliberative imitative behaviors, you can suggest intention in the manner it uses its "disguise". Fixed the bits about free loaders, growing larger, and the carrying eggs bit. Not sure why the Secrete part is uppercase as it’s not the beginning of an sentence. No it’s not intentional. I can probably edit the description to say juveniles with larger from tubes got selected for as it better fooled communal janits.

Made the edit regarding the juveniles and their hollow tubes, still not sure what the uppercase S in the secrete part of my sentence is needed for though.

This post has been edited by OviraptorFan: Apr 14 2021, 09:24 PM

QUOTE

"free loaders." Freeloaders. "secret a foul-smelling" Secrete a foul-smelling.

As you can see from the example of "freeloaders", I was simply capitalizing the start of a sentence: the correction. You don't need to capitalize "secrete" in your sentence.

"as which resemble the" I suggest, "to the degree it resembles the". I don't know how to parse "as which" in this context.

QUOTE (Coolsteph @ Apr 15 2021, 12:43 AM)

QUOTE "free loaders." Freeloaders. "secret a foul-smelling" Secrete a foul-smelling. As you can see from the example of "freeloaders", I was simply capitalizing the start of a sentence: the correction. You don't need to capitalize "secrete" in your sentence. "as which resemble the" I suggest, "to the degree it resembles the". I don't know how to parse "as which" in this context.

Alright, made the edit.